hidden

as i came into my office to write this post

i sashayed by the candy dish and grabbed a large handful of chocolate kisses and discreetly placed them under a paper towel lying beside the monitor where i planned to eat them in secret one by one

it would be embarrassing for my daughter or husband to see my outright gluttony,

especially in light of the fact that i lament aloud the lumpy shape of my body at least 10 times a day

i'm pretty sure they'll figure it out though

aside from the fact that i've tucked a few of the wrappers in said paper towel,

it'll soon be evident when my outerwear begins to expand to accommodate the tell tale signs

like the hidden candy,i don't know why i think i can imbibe in a sinful, hidden thought life and think no one will ever know

they will;

telling facial expressions

cynical words

negative comments

will all betray me

as they leak out of the crevices of my heart where I've hidden and caressed unforgiveness for past hurts

or where thoughts that have entered and not been taken captive to Truth but left to roam at will, pillage the landscape that lies within

i know that the plaque of pride and bitterness not dealt with will, like hidden candy, harden my heart and leave it incapacitated with no room left to care for anyone but self

i need accountability

that is why i avoid being around those who do not maintain their hearts with all diligence

and choose instead, as painful as the conviction sometimes is, to be around those who have chosen to vigilantly guard their's

i sense lately, i've somehow moved dangerously close to the edge

that my sinful flesh has expanded to accommodate my sin, leaving me comfortable in it

that is why I am writing about this in all honesty here

i want to have the dangerous, deadly, hidden places exposed and dealt with

i want to be free

and the first step to freedom is realizing my need and confessing it

i've been thinking about the words i have framed and set at my kitchen sink...

"...you are today where your thoughts have brought you..."   ~James Allen

and I know i want to relocate.